Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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