I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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