3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
