Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
