yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
