I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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