Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Girls should come with a carfax report
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
