Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
