What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
