Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
