I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
