I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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