The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
