I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
