my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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