I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
