This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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