the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
