You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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