If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
