you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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