i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
