My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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