i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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