Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
