i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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