I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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