Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
