I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
