Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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