textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
