im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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