True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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