He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It was a blind-side dick pic.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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