whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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