If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
