I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
