apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
