my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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