so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
