i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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