my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
