My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
