No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
