There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
