I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
