Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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