3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
