she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
