I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
if only i could text you this smell
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
