I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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